Let’s set the scene.
You’re born. There’s crying, some slapping, a bunch of applause you didn’t ask for, and then—bam! You’re enrolled in the full-time, unpaid internship called “being a person.” No onboarding. No handbook. No lunch break. Just immediate enrollment in the metaphysical equivalent of a mandatory improv class hosted inside a collapsing IKEA catalog.
Now, Søren Kierkegaard—our gloomy Nordic forefather of existential dread—summed it up best in The Repetition when he asked, in what was basically the world’s most eloquent one-star Yelp review of reality:
“How did I get into the world? Why was I not asked about it… Where is the manager—I have something to say about this.”
And honestly? Same.
If you’re familiar with The Archive of Unfinished Business, Lucifer Ascends, or The First Observer (all coming soon by the way), then you know this question is practically the customer service theme song of every character trying to navigate a hostile universe with the emotional clarity of someone using a soggy map and a compass stolen from a cereal box.
Let’s take a closer look.
1. The Archivist (from The Archive of Unfinished Business)
The Archivist didn’t ask to be born with a filing cabinet for a heart and a Rolodex full of traumas alphabetized by year, scent, and weather pattern. He’s just trying to figure out who signed the lease on his existential apartment. No memory of consent. No emergency exit.
He wants to speak to the manager of memory. He wants to lodge a formal complaint about being asked to organize grief like it’s a Pinterest board.
Complaint filed under: “WHY IS DROWNING A METAPHOR FOR EVERYTHING?”
2. Lucien Dantes (from Lucifer Ascends)
Lucien was born into a recursive paradox powered by weaponized glyphs, multiversal betrayal, and quantum angst. Kierkegaard asks, “Isn’t it a matter of choice?” Lucien would like to know who made that choice on his behalf and if they accept returns on destiny.
He’s out here rewriting timelines like an overworked copy editor for the universe’s most violent poetry slam. No orientation. No insurance. No HR.
Complaint filed under: “WRONGFULLY ASCENDED.”
3. The First Observer (from… you guessed it)
Imagine waking up as the first conscious entity in a raw soup of time and going: “Excuse me—what is this, and who left me in charge?” Kierkegaard’s quote reads like this character’s LinkedIn Summary.
“How did I get involved in this big enterprise called actuality?”
Excellent question. The First Observer is literally the CEO of Accidental Awareness and didn’t even get stock options.
Complaint filed under: “HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT (THE ENVIRONMENT IS ‘EVERYTHING’).”
And Me, This Morning, On the Metro
Not to make it about me (but also, this is a blog post, so obviously), I too felt the Kierkegaardian pull of “what is actuality and why does it smell like wet socks?” when I got elbowed in the kidney by someone fighting for the last standing spot on the Red Line.
Some people awaken into the terrifying beauty of being. Others awaken into someone else’s armpit.
I wanted to call the manager of time, space, and Metro Transit Authority all at once. I wanted to request a reset button, a refund, and possibly a croissant. But like Kierkegaard, I too discovered that the “manager” is mysteriously out of office—probably on a team-building retreat with Schrödinger, Oppenheimer, and the ghost of Kafka.
Final Thoughts: The Enterprise Called Actuality (LLC)
At the end of the day, Kierkegaard wasn’t just having a bad Tuesday—he was naming what your characters (and maybe you) have always known:
Existence is a group project no one signed up for.
Some of us catalog grief like antique stamps. Some of us weaponize paradoxes. Some of us make coffee and cry into spreadsheets. But we’re all quietly looking for the suggestion box labeled:
“HOW TO BE ALIVE: FEEDBACK WELCOME.”
Spoiler: It’s probably just a mirror.
Until then, keep drifting, keep observing, keep filing those celestial HR reports. And if you see the manager?
Tell them I’d like a word.
And maybe a croissant. Filed under: #KierkegaardianCustomerService #ExistentialHoldMusic #TheFirstObserverNeedsTherapy #LucienWasPromisedSnacks #ArchivistDeservesVacationDays #MetroBlues